Fireland

First Draft Twitter No. 004

By the time I finish shaving and getting in the harness and queuing up Toy Story I’m not even in the mood anymore.

Rejected Twitter Post No. Yuk

It’s always a sad day when the treehouse finally falls apart, collapsing to the ground in a pile of splintered wood and twisted bodies.

P.S. Shout out to my old buddy Darren whose mom, like mine, spelled yuck “yuk” and who, like me, found that extremely hilarious every time.

Oct

Birdhouse Stank Pile No. 008

Oct

Twitter Regret No. 0864

Today I posted a Twitter thing that went: “I like to shriek and brandish a trident while peeing in a mailbox. It keeps the weirdos away.”

If my Monday morning brain (Mondays, you guys, am I right) had bothered to think it through a little bit, my intent would’ve been clearer: “When peeing in a mailbox, I like to shriek and brandish a trident to keep the weirdos away.”

I have a lot of work to get done today. My anniversary’s this week, I need to be planning something for that. The cat needs to go to the vet. My unfinished novel sits in a dusty, forgotten folder on my computer. My parents aren’t getting any younger; I should reach out to them, tell them I love them before it’s too late. I need to do the laundry.

But what has been gnawing at me all day? The grammatical structure of my mailbox pee tweet.

Oct

A week later and I’m still laughing at this one, and still acting it out.

I tend to think that written comedy is way inferior to performed comedy, just because you’re missing out on little visual cues or intonations or timing or the like. But when you’re in the hands of someone like Albert (mm I wish) who knows all the tricks, you can read something and all the cues and intonations and timing just pop right into your head with zero effort on your part.

Sep

First Draft Twitter No. 003

I think I blew this one:

“At the Sears Portrait Studio, trying to decide between Police Lineup and Uncle McFeely’s Rec Room.”

Other contenders included:

NASCAR Coke Party
Mom’s Boyfriend’s Basement
CBGB Bathroom
Nam Flashback
Opium Den With Novelty Hookah
Dead Ringers Operating Theater
Grandma’s Dimly Lit Living Room With Candy Bowl And Overlarge Bible
Sears Parking Lot

Sep

Aug

He's a Maneater

You know how sometimes you’ll post something on Twitter and it will include a phrase like, say, “mustache wet with tears,” and then some people will start using that phrase in the haiku they write on a community haiku-writing website? (Because I guess those exist?) No of course not because that would be insane.

Aug