Fireland

Twitter First Draft No. 006

Last night I went against my better judgment and wrote a Harry Potter tweet. It relied too much on knowing Harry Potter stuff to get the “joke” but whatever, the Venn diagram of Harry Potter people and Twitter people is basically a big fat zero. But before I got to the final draft I went over here:

I’m sorry I yelled out someone else’s name while we were boning but I’m not sorry that the name was Ron Weasley.

And prior to that it just got creepy:

Yeah well this twenty dollar bill says your name IS Hermione for the next half hour.

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Fireland: Share it with someone special tonight.™

peanutweeter:

It’s always weird… via @fireland

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FIRELAND: Where WTF is a way of life.™

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I had the peculiar honor of showing Adam the garbage in my Birdhouse.

That last one was unfinished and he recommended ending it with Morning Glory.

P.S. Back in July, I thought haberdashery meant hat shoppe.

Blind DMs No. 2

Time for another round of super-secret messages I sent to people super-secretly on Twitter! *shriek* (Here’s No. 1.) Aren’t you JEAL-JEAL of the super-secret conversations I have? Don’t you wish we could be friends? DREAM ON, UGG-LORD ok let’s go:

You so whipped, dogg! *whipcrack SFX* LOL! P.S. Did I mention I watched New Moon on pay per view on Valentine’s Day.

That was a NEUTERING joke GOSH

r u boning the guy who designed the tumblr icons y/n

It’s always the last place you look … your heart.

WHEN I’MA LOOKING FOR BURGER KING AND TIRED SINGLE MOMS, SI

BOO TO THAT *pours shitty gin on ground*

I think it was something about a prosthetic leg but I’m not sure — I was pretty sauced.

LOLZ YOU ARE HILARI—omigod he’s got my penis THIS IS NO PRANK THIS IS REEEEEEEAL

You made me buy Momento. I’m using it as a shame diary. Here’s today: Puked in shower. Learned about dissection tool w/pistol grip. Wendy’s.

That was me! Please see a doctor!

I know! You ever just stop what you’re doing and be like: I didn’t think I would ever get THIS gay. Of course you do, stupid question.

CURSE YOU NICK DOUGLAS YOU WEE LI’L GOBLIN

Hey, look, I just want to … I’m sorry about the whole “undeserving wretch” thing. That was wrong to say. Takebacksies.

Hi champ! Are you in Douche Central over there??

I was about to star it when I noticed “centaur” was spelled wrong TRUE STORY THE END

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This is why we got in the game. This and the mad punani.

Rejected Twitter No. 69

CALL POISON CONTROL I GOT THE UNSKINNY BOPS REAL BAD

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JOURNEY INTO WHAT’S LEFT OF JOSH’S BRAIN, WON’T YOU

[reads Zaius’ tweet] No idea what that means but I’m laughing. I shall begrudgingly star this!

[reads Ange’s tweet an hour later] What the hell is she talking about. Why am I laughing. This makes zero percent sense. Wait, wasn’t there another burrito-related tweet earlier today that I didn’t understand but laughed at? What a curious coincidence! I’ll take a picture of them together and post it on Tumblr! Now that’s cheap content! Good work, kid. You’ve got this whole internet thing licked.

[looks at them together] She’s talking about him, isn’t she. He is the ape man. Way to be quick on the uptake, stupid. I’m like Sherlock Holmes’ retarded brother who deduces that pie is delicious because when he eats it it tastes yum-yum in his belly PIE PIE PIE I WANT TO MARRY PIE [has shrieking Rain Man seizure]

First Draft Twitter No. 005

Wrote MARRY ME in flames on her front lawn but then the wind picked up and long story short I want a divorce from my gross burn-face wife.

» final draft

Blind DMs

Here are some private messages I sent to people on Twitter. WHO am I talking to? WHAAAAAAT are we talking about??? OOOOOOH I’LL NEVER TELL NEVER NEVER EVER DON’T YOU EVEN THINK IT!

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I will never be able to wash the phrase “haunches dewy and heaving” out of my brain. Thanks.

uh i may not know you but i saw your boobs one time so there

Moving on, why did you “like” the fact that I befriended my aunt on Facebook? You’re weird.

Your new girlfriend is FUUUUUUUUUGLY

It’s just a picture of a guy giving a speech with a boner, but you can’t tell he has a boner.

Seriously though, is “mommy place” the creepiest name for lady parts or THE CREEPIEST. I’m gonna use it at some point. Maybe Thanksgiving.

I think if you saw the kind of meaningless marketingspeak I write every day for a living, you’d beat me to death with your daughter.

MURDER BY TWEET STARRING SHIA LABEEF AND BEYONCE or whatevs

omg i was just snorting bug powder!

omg stop singing bone thugs

Yay hooray! Don’t tell her I’m going to use it as a hemorrhoid cushion :(

As you well know, Wednesday morning is prime time for bagging bar skanks.

Likewise. It was a good time but over much too quickly, like an episode of Good Times.

I hope your beard gets AIDS.

That IS weird. I guess it’s just an elephantiasis kind of day. I was pretty pleased with myself for spelling it right on my first try.

That’s the most pregnant thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep it up, Burbank” has already become my go-to catchphrase to mean “way to go, asshole.” Seriously used it like four times today.

Favorite Favorites 2009

aedison / Actually, it’s pronounced “pedant.”

erikprice / You people aren’t going to believe what the Indians used to call corn.

jasonpermenter / I know Thanksgiving’s a few days away, but I just don’t know if I can wait to hand out smallpox blankets to the neighborhood kids!

JephKelley / At a wine tasting. Haha more like wine “gulping” the way I’m doing it. No YOU’RE pathetic shutup do they have beer here play VAN HALEN WHOO

Pat_Francis / Attention all Subway employees! Stop trying to make more than one sandwich at a time… You can’t do it and never could!!!

badbanana / Too groggy from medicine to stay awake. I’ll just clean my rifles and go to bed.

Just_Alison / You better check yo’self before you Robert Zemeck-yo’self.

Mike_FTW / The best thing about the 22 Fillmore is that you’re never the most ANYTHING on the bus.

Trick_or_tweet / I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear.

party_boys / Hey, quick question, what’s the most expensive lotion?

trelvix / Yep. That’s Lake Erie alright. How about you just fly the plane, Rainman?

FakeAPStylebook / Slander is harder to prove, so avoid libel charges by just yellin’ that shit out the window.

CallMeBez / Why is our baby SO BAD at Jenga?

AndrewWK / Thanks, everybody! When you use the restroom today, pee on your hand! It’s a wild feeling! Then wash and PARTY!

ladawn / Just once I’d like to see a realistic tampon commercial, with the actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth.

alanapost / who ate all the pussy?!

textism / BEE IN THE CAR BEE IN THE CA

leisuretown / I SHOULD MAIL YOU A PLAIN ENVELOPE STUFFED WITH POSITIVE ATTITUDETHRAX

Zaius13 / HEY! What are you DOING in there? GROSS!! That is my CRYING stall! The tissue in there is for TEARS ONLY!

spenceke / Sometimes I wish I could stick my pinkie fingers right up your nose holes.

weselec / Bring me your finest panties.

alsoyourmom / Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls!

SeoulBrother / Show me on my penis where the bad man touched you.

redrabbit / I just want to be someone’s black Kate Moss tonight.

ScottAukerman / Slow and steady wins the race war

lisarahmat / Where is your god now, roast beef sandwich?

toldorknown / Two words: No, wait—five if you count them all oh god now it’s fifteen.

Moltz / Camping. Why did it have to be camping?

BrilliantOrange / My air keyboard shredding was so nasty, your sweaty mom just slapped my face.

melissasantos / if i had a nickel for every time a guy showed me his junk at a stop light, i’d have enough to buy a soda. like in 1950.

hisnamesLen / It’s not the silence; it’s the lucidity.

thedayhascome / When your wife catches you not paying attention, overturn as much furniture as possible while running towards the nearest exit.

theduty / Dear God, please don’t make me stop not believing in you. also, I really like your hair that way…short on the sides and…anyway. amen.

bcompton / I like my ladies like I like my coffee: every so often, on a nice Sunday morning, just to reward myself for being the best me I can be.

blurb / Whoever invented the king size bed needs to get about 100 of whatever.

sween / If you could travel back in time to when Hitler was a baby, you’d probably KISS HIS WIDDLE BELLY.

lonelysandwich / Dropping the kids off in the toilet.

twoname / Listen here you beautiful bitch, I’m bout to fuck you up with some truth.

tastytrixie / Clarification: I love ugly people, it’s just that I can’t think of a nice way to ask my sister if her friend has a disease of the face.

DieLaughing / I’m just sitting in my van, watching old people through the binoculars, wondering what makes them so creepy.

evany / Someone around here smells like a seventh grade dance.

luckyshirt / Waiting for a breakfast burrito from a place that also serves sushi and sandwiches. So this is probably goodbye.

gknauss / Is there a piece less powerful than the pawn that I can feel like?

Juniorwad / Her mouth said no, but her eyes said NOOOOOOOO!!!

poeks / ♫ I wanna fuck you in GrrAnimals ♫

Jessabelle2o7 / “…holding each other’s hands, they walked happily ever after into the blogosphere.” My manuscript was rejected. Too crappy, they said.

texburgher / I’m going to bed now, Twitter. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow. (Like it would’ve killed my parents to hang a few of my drawings on the fridge.)

rolandfox / Just saw Memento, so now I’m hiding notes everywhere in case Future Me has amnesia. The wife did one that said “ur gay & live in Canada.”

DanteBichette / well you and that donkey are just full of surprises….and drugs.

secretsquirrel / I bet Pacman having sex with Ms Pacman would totally be all WOCCA WOCCA WOCCA WOCCA FRUIT NOISE.

cluckcluckers / literally trembling as i race home to post pictures of what i found at walgreens.

scottsimpson / No! I wasn’t staring at your ass. I was staring WITH your ass.

CcSteff / The opposite of horny is mexican food. Don’t… don’t touch me.

nostrich / I hate when people in the street shout “leave those kids alone!” Do I look like a fucking Pink Floyd fan? I’m trying to get laid here, dude.

THE_REAL_SHAQ / I hate leprekons lol

awryone / Takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. Takes an even bigger man to know he’s right and then suck it up anyway because his wife is nuts.

LILWAYNESWORLD / HOW DO THEY FIND HIDDEN VALLEY RANCH DRESSING

frageelay / Ten years ago Dan and I had sex. This morning, the product of that union just did the ‘pump-action shotgun’ sound followed by a fart sound.

mikemorrow / I don’t care what you people say, I’m going through this thing page by page and the Internet is bullshit.

ghostwhispers / If you like screenshots of Mac application menu errata you are going to fucking love what I’m about to post to Flickr.

gruber / Just “landed a plane in the Hudson.”

First Draft Twitter No. 004

By the time I finish shaving and getting in the harness and queuing up Toy Story I’m not even in the mood anymore.

» final draft

Rejected Twitter Post No. Yuk

It’s always a sad day when the treehouse finally falls apart, collapsing to the ground in a pile of splintered wood and twisted bodies.

P.S. Shout out to my old buddy Darren whose mom, like mine, spelled yuck “yuk” and who, like me, found that extremely hilarious every time.