What is your deal.

cruel linda mccartney drilling handicapped

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:37:50 -0600

You ever look at what you’re typing into Google and wonder how the hell you got to this point in your life?

Teh paparazzi caught me after a hard day of writing brochures...

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 20:31:00 -0600

Teh paparazzi caught me after a hard day of writing brochures for Dell, targeting small business owners who need premier storage performance in their data center without spending their entire IT budget.

I’m pretty sure Andrew WK provides the ultimate in...

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 20:02:11 -0600

I’m pretty sure Andrew WK provides the ultimate in BROMANCE.

Rejected Twitter Post No. π

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 10:51:01 -0600

Got the invite to my dad’s wedding. He just crossed out the bride’s name from the last time around and wrote in That Hotty [sic] At Denny’s.

distorte:For years (like years) I thought that Todd Levin was an old-ish gay guy, because across...

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 09:00:59 -0600

distorte:

For years (like years) I thought that Todd Levin was an old-ish gay guy, because across the top of his site it always said “Olde Gay? Me Hey” and I read it as: Old? Gay? Me? Hey! (yes I am). And I read it on-and-off always in that mindset, and nothing I read ever seemed to contradict that interpretation.

Also, the first couple of weeks I was reading Josh Allen I thought he was black. I remember being kind of disappointed when I found out he was just another white man on the Internet.

Story of my life. Story of Todd’s life, too.

perpetua:Made by Bio K9.

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 21:25:09 -0600

perpetua:

Made by Bio K9.

Rejected Twitter Post No. 420

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 14:06:54 -0600

Take one guess how the process server disguised as an underage Thai hooker surprised me with the subpoena.

Pre-Twitter Twitters

Thu, 29 May 2008 22:58:20 -0600

I keep wanting to take stuff I wrote years ago and recycle it for Twitter but my crippling and self-important fear of repeating myself prevents me from doing so. Still though, sometimes I come across something and I’m all “dude just copy and paste that shit and get on with your life.” I.e., this nugget from The House of Wigs:

The lighting in Wal-Mart made me pick up elastic-band pocketless jeans and Legally Blonde and a racquetball racquet to beat my kids with.

youlooknicetoday: How and where not to do The Fishstick Mister...

Sun, 25 May 2008 11:47:48 -0600

youlooknicetoday:

How and where not to do The Fishstick

Mister Sandwich fails spectacularly at his own dance and in the process revolutionizes it!

The Fishstick makes me think of this part of Infinite Jest (which of course took me like a week to locate), talking about the hot dance craze called the Minimal Mambo:

“the dancers appearing to be just this side of standing still, the subtlest possible hints of fingers snapping under right-angled elbows”

"I had my dad’s broken-down four-track machine and a little Casio SK-1 sampler. After The Cosby Show,..."

Thu, 22 May 2008 09:46:56 -0600

“I had my dad’s broken-down four-track machine and a little Casio SK-1 sampler. After The Cosby Show, when Stevie Wonder was on [in 1986], everybody had to have one of those. Bill Cosby really jump-started hip-hop culture. That one Cosby episode, every well-known producer I know, that’s the event that changed their lives, but everybody is just ashamed to say it. That was the first time America got to see a sampler.”

- ?uestlove, in an absolutely terrific long-form interview with Charles Aaron in the new issue of SPIN. (via perpetua)

Rejected Twitter Post No. 5551212

Wed, 21 May 2008 15:16:37 -0600

Someone stole the cockatiel right off my shoulder! I can’t catch them in these heels! Why oh why did I leave my blowgun in the Escalade?

I’m told the post on the left contains selections from my...

Tue, 20 May 2008 16:47:13 -0600

I’m told the post on the left contains selections from my heartbreaking 1998 essay entitled Lick My Literary Ass, You Vile Fucks.

You’ve come a long way baby J/K you’re still doing the same old.

(via catbird)

Rejected Twitter Post No. 8

Tue, 20 May 2008 11:21:06 -0600

That homeless guy who sleeps on my car? Well he and I are wearing the same jeans today and his ass looks about a zillion times hotter. Grr!

Rejected Twitter Post No. 2020

Mon, 19 May 2008 13:42:11 -0600

Just found a Post-It wedged in my navel that says: “Lose weight and take more showers!!” OMG it’s dated 4/24/05!!!!!

Rejected Twitter Post No. 808

Fri, 16 May 2008 12:02:20 -0600

I’m sorry but I would be FLATTERED if someone called me a “backhoe.” Fine, whatever. HR already has me on speed-dial.

Rejected Twitter Post No. 90211

Thu, 15 May 2008 22:09:05 -0600

The VP is in the Samurai Suite. Three concubines snore, still clutching their kaiken. He’s never felt better in his whole life!

Rejected Twitter Post No. 1138

Thu, 15 May 2008 21:23:35 -0600

ROBOT PENIS! YOU GUYS! IT’S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE CONDO!!!! Sigh it’s nice to be able to use italics.

I was listening to Surfer Rosa for the first time in a while, and it was super-loud, and it made my...

Sat, 10 May 2008 13:28:56 -0600

I was listening to Surfer Rosa for the first time in a while, and it was super-loud, and it made my right ear distort at times, and I decided that this particular album ruined a very specific range of hearing back in high school, when it was played super-loud every single day.

GEENA DAVIS NUDE

Tue, 06 May 2008 20:28:58 -0600

About 99% of the hits to my website come from people looking for naked pictures of Geena Davis (and I’m all: Wha? People still know who Geena Davis is?) and I guess I’m sort of pleased that this is the picture that they are forced to download into their UH NO PORN IN HERE MOM NOPE folder.

Rejected Twitter Post No. 90125

Tue, 06 May 2008 11:20:46 -0600

If you can’t prove in a court of law that we didn’t have sex last night, then we did. Yeah well I’m still updating the spreadsheet.