Fireland

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Tue, 05 Mar 2013 13:12:09 -0700

On the eve of turning 30 I wrote this in an attempt to summarize...

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 00:18:00 -0700

On the eve of turning 30 I wrote this in an attempt to summarize my twenties in my preferred style at the time: wordy, impressionistic, allusive, trying too hard, not particularly honest.

Last night, on the eve of turning 40, I thought I’d try the same thing. But as the depressing bullet points piled up I was like: You know what? My thirties were a real shitshow. Sort of on every level? So let’s just wrap that whole decade up in tinfoil and toss it in the back of the freezer and let’s get started again.

kfan: My new book, Magical Neon Sexuality, is now available. It...

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 12:17:48 -0700

kfan:

My new book, Magical Neon Sexuality, is now available.

It features ~12~ stories of passion and longing, wrapped inside a majestically beautiful cover image by Maré Odomo.

Are you interested in heroic tales of Taylor Swift’s revenge against an evil boyfriend? Are you concerned with the intricacies of human-Pokémon romance? Do you sometimes lie awake at night, fairly certain that Selena Gomez represents humanity’s best line of defense against the inevitable zombie apocalypse? Well then perhaps this is the book you’ve been waiting for, your whole entire life.

Magical Neon Sexuality is $8 in the US ($9 Canada, $10 World) and it ships right away, go get it.

If you’re looking for something to feverishly, desperately thrust into a stocking this holiday season, your looky is over. BONUS: Now I’ll finally learn who Taylor Momsen is!

The Infinite Jukebox is so up my alley it’s …...

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 14:24:35 -0700

The Infinite Jukebox is so up my alley it’s … uncomfortable. It analyzes any song you want and then plays it back, moving between similar-sounding parts to make a seamless remix that keeps changing and never ends.

Or! It’s not seamless at all and makes all sorts of screwy decisions! Or! It gets stuck in a little four-second loop forever! I find the weird mess-ups even more endearing than when it all works perfectly. Poor li’l robot. It tries its best.

My barber lost his legs in Korea. He will only do one of the ten styles shown on the ancient poster...

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 19:05:16 -0700

My barber lost his legs in Korea. He will only do one of the ten styles shown on the ancient poster taped above the cash register. He stares at nothing while I make my decision, which takes forever. I finally settle on The Junior Executive and am immediately filled with buyer’s remorse. He uses a straight razor on my sideburns and I get a good close look at his tobacco-stained fingers. You ever nick someone with that thing? I ask, my voice cold. Only when they ask stupid questions, he says.

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Tue, 06 Nov 2012 22:09:31 -0700

I’ve written several scripts for Lonely Lisagor’s...

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 11:03:10 -0600

I’ve written several scripts for Lonely Lisagor’s Sandwich Video but this one for Summly was probably the most daunting. I not only had to put words in the mouth of Nick D’Aloisio, the hyperarticulate 17-year-old creator of the app, but also Stephen Goddamn Fry, all-around genius.

So I spelled everything British-y and used words like “drivel” and hoped for the best. I think it turned out well, and Adam & Co. did a bang-up job as always. I’m super thankful to be able to work with them.

Speaking of, if you have words that need smithing, head over to joshua allen dot com. Let’s make some magic happen tonight.™

Happy birthday to my best friend and partner-in-butts, Detective...

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 14:41:53 -0600

Happy birthday to my best friend and partner-in-butts, Detective Black. Soon we’ll be together again to look at whales and shit but until then we’ll just have to enjoy each other’s luxurious mustaches from afar :{

Aphex Twin / Come to Daddy I think I post this every Halloween...

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 21:04:18 -0600

Aphex Twin / Come to Daddy

I think I post this every Halloween but, in today’s world, it’s important to keep observing our cultural traditions, especially the really easy ones I make up.

Dana Carvey / Cat on the Piano Sometimes I play music and/or...

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 20:26:42 -0600

Dana Carvey / Cat on the Piano

Sometimes I play music and/or standup comedy on my phone all night while I sleep. To keep away the fear?

Anyway around four o’clock this morning I awoke to hear this little 20-second bit and couldn’t stop laughing and then couldn’t get back to sleep and now nobody’s laughing around here.

Hoo boy can you even imagine how much acting there is in this?...

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 19:02:00 -0600

Hoo boy can you even imagine how much acting there is in this? Like just the sheer volume of acting? Five bucks says this wins the Oscar for Most Acting. “All of the acting!”—Rex Reed. “The Joe Satriani of acting, whatever that means!”—Gene Shalit. Is Gene Shalit even still alive :{

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Mon, 10 Sep 2012 19:49:41 -0600

putthison: abitofcolor: Omega Constellation If you’re...

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 11:47:23 -0600

putthison:

abitofcolor:

Omega Constellation

If you’re looking for a beautiful, prestigious watch at a reasonable price, there’s little reason to look past the mid-century Omegas. The Constellation and Seamaster models from the 50s and 60s are beautiful, elegant, carry a well-regarded brand name and frequently sell for as little as $300-500. Try searching the buy and sell areas of WatchUSeek or TimeZone, the fora for watch nerds, or take a chance on eBay. You can also buy from a trusted local dealer, though there’s likely to be a 30-50% markup over internet prices.

The end result? For less than the price of a lot of fashion brands’ quartz watches from the deparment store, you can have a beautiful, classic timepiece from one of the best names in watches.

My grandfather had this very watch. And then he died and now I have it. It’s in my desk drawer along with a Petco discount card and some Christmas stamps.

It was broken so I had it fixed. If you’ve never gone to a shop to get a watch repaired, I highly recommend it. It made me feel better about the years I’ve wasted on the internet. Made me feel like a man with a history, if only for a couple hours.

(Look at how sharp those hands are. It’s like you know exactly what time it is.)

I wore it for a while and broke it again. I think because I wound it too much? Because I was worried it would die? Like a Tamagotchi? So I constantly wound it? And probably overcranked its delicate innards?

Anyway this post reminded me I should head back to the watch shop. Because to see this thing ticking away again … it would, it would maybe be important right now.

A quintessential exchange in the most recent episode of You Look Nice Today

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 21:18:00 -0600

Scott: Does that make sense? Is it too convoluted? I dunno.

Merlin: No I think it’s not convoluted enough.

People often come up to me on the street, gently brush the hair...

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 09:44:00 -0600

People often come up to me on the street, gently brush the hair out of my eyes, and ask: What were you like in high school?

I say: I was a complex young man but all you really need to know is that I tore the above photo out of Rolling Stone and affixed it to my binder and gazed upon it all sophomore year.

Sometimes the Paramount just lets out a sad, ragged...

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 19:53:00 -0600

Sometimes the Paramount just lets out a sad, ragged sigh.

(previously)

Fellow Mortals

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 11:56:00 -0600

My friend Dennis is kind of infuriating. He’s smart and funny. He’s a good husband and father. He gets up early to work out. He’s really into boxing and Baroque music. He makes furniture. He grows giant pumpkins in his yard at a competitive level. He’s basically a man, which is gross.

Worst of all, he’s a good writer. And his novel Fellow Mortals is being published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux. I’m super proud.

But I’m even MORE proud of this Q&A he did with ME. Because it is about ME, who is a DELIGHT. I talk about regular centaurs and and normal cocaine and not being a man.

The song “Iron Man” was originally entitled “Iron Bloke.” Upon hearing the...

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 18:08:58 -0600

The song “Iron Man” was originally entitled “Iron Bloke.” Upon hearing the main guitar riff for the first time, Osbourne remarked that it sounded “like a big iron bloke walking about.” The title was later changed to “Iron Man.”

Angela Black awarded herself Best Girlf Ever for this gift but I...

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 19:39:00 -0600

Angela Black awarded herself Best Girlf Ever for this gift but I must admit she did indeed nail that shizz.

She met the infuriatingly talented (and nice — barf) Scott C. at the Toronto Comic Arts Festival and had him sign and doodle on his rad new book (made out to “Good Bro Joshy”) and this Twin Peaks print which depicts one of my favorite scenes in one of my favorite things of all time.

It is tanfastic. Gaze upon it in the eerie light of constantly-on-fire Colorado.

I should know better by now, but sometimes the internet tells me...

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 13:55:00 -0600

I should know better by now, but sometimes the internet tells me to do something and I do it. Which is why I drank Mexican Coke with peanuts in it. And now my stomach is all: Why. Why do you do this to us. You are a god damn jagoff. And I’m like: The internet said! And my stomach just turns away, unable to even look at me.