What is your deal I'm serious what

Jun 13

Rejected Twitter Post No. π

Got the invite to my dad’s wedding. He just crossed out the bride’s name from the last time around and wrote in That Hotty [sic] At Denny’s.

Jun 10

distorte:

For years (like years) I thought that Todd Levin was an old-ish gay guy, because across the top of his site it always said “Olde Gay? Me Hey” and I read it as: Old? Gay? Me? Hey! (yes I am). And I read it on-and-off always in that mindset, and nothing I read ever seemed to contradict that interpretation.

Also, the first couple of weeks I was reading Josh Allen I thought he was black. I remember being kind of disappointed when I found out he was just another white man on the Internet.

Story of my life. Story of Todd’s life, too.

Jun 6

perpetua:

Made by Bio K9.

Jun 4

Rejected Twitter Post No. 420

Take one guess how the process server disguised as an underage Thai hooker surprised me with the subpoena.

May 29

Pre-Twitter Twitters

I keep wanting to take stuff I wrote years ago and recycle it for Twitter but my crippling and self-important fear of repeating myself prevents me from doing so. Still though, sometimes I come across something and I’m all “dude just copy and paste that shit and get on with your life.” I.e., this nugget from The House of Wigs:

The lighting in Wal-Mart made me pick up elastic-band pocketless jeans and Legally Blonde and a racquetball racquet to beat my kids with.

May 25

youlooknicetoday:

How and where not to do The Fishstick

Mister Sandwich fails spectacularly at his own dance and in the process revolutionizes it!

The Fishstick makes me think of this part of Infinite Jest (which of course took me like a week to locate), talking about the hot dance craze called the Minimal Mambo:

“the dancers appearing to be just this side of standing still, the subtlest possible hints of fingers snapping under right-angled elbows”

May 22

“I had my dad’s broken-down four-track machine and a little Casio SK-1 sampler. After The Cosby Show, when Stevie Wonder was on [in 1986], everybody had to have one of those. Bill Cosby really jump-started hip-hop culture. That one Cosby episode, every well-known producer I know, that’s the event that changed their lives, but everybody is just ashamed to say it. That was the first time America got to see a sampler.” ?uestlove, in an absolutely terrific long-form interview with Charles Aaron in the new issue of SPIN. (via perpetua)

May 21

Rejected Twitter Post No. 5551212

Someone stole the cockatiel right off my shoulder! I can’t catch them in these heels! Why oh why did I leave my blowgun in the Escalade?

May 20

I’m told the post on the left contains selections from my heartbreaking 1998 essay entitled Lick My Literary Ass, You Vile Fucks.

You’ve come a long way baby J/K you’re still doing the same old.

(via catbird)

Rejected Twitter Post No. 8

That homeless guy who sleeps on my car? Well he and I are wearing the same jeans today and his ass looks about a zillion times hotter. Grr!

May 19

Rejected Twitter Post No. 2020

Just found a Post-It wedged in my navel that says: “Lose weight and take more showers!!” OMG it’s dated 4/24/05!!!!!