I’m rolling weiners with a spatula, thought balloons of smoke drifting over freshly mown lawns, the charcoal with lighter fluid embedded right into it, and I realize I’m eating America with a plastic knife and spork, coughing up wide awake dreams.
The party is tanking. It is choked with awkward pauses. The microwaveable empanadas were a mistake. It’s way too bright in here. Couples are making the “omg can we please leave now please” glances at one another.
You have one chance to save this terrible party. A Lil Wayne song is playing on the hi-fi. You walk over, rip the needle from the record and plunge this terrible party into terrible silence. You have ten seconds before the guests take advantage of the lull and do a fake-yawn and hightail it.
What song do you put on?
Me, I put this one on. It does not provide instant gratification but the initial bassline will keep the fake-yawners around long enough for the song to get its hooks in.
Around minute four people might be all oh good lord is this song still going zzzz. Around minute five they’ll all be crammed in your crappy little living room, waving their hands in the air and literally not caring. Around minute seven they’re engaged in reckless, unsafe intercourse with each another. Around minute nine they’re ululating to their God in the hopes that He will make this song never end, ever.
But it does end, at 9m25s, and when everyone begs for you to play it again you tell them to get the hell out of your house and never come back. None of them really understand you, not really.
Wrote this a couple years ago but wanted to dredge it up today.