Let's Take A Voyage Into Josh's Brain If You Even Dare
— What are you gonna get for lunch?
— A salad, I guess.
— A salad.
— Before you even—
— Do you sometimes miss your balls? Just like in the middle of doing something else you suddenly stop and think about them but you can hardly even remember what they looked like and you’re horrified by that realization because how could you forget what was once the most important thing in your life?
— OK fine I’ll get extra balls on my salad.
— Get the motor oil and mustache dressing. To die for.
— They have this really nice gunpowder pussy soup on Mondays.
— Just order it and throw it in the cashier’s face. Do I look like I need food?
I bought a box of 48 condoms at Costco. The checkout girl scanned it and glanced up at me. She evidently had some sort of nervous tic where sexual arousal caused her to snort mockingly. “These expire in 2014, you know,” she informed me. I said: “Oh I’ll be back here next week for a refill if I know me and sexing, which I do.” She asked if I used them to make balloon animals for the tards in the mental hospital where I live and then went to check the price on my three gallon tub of Kraft Premium Mayonnaise without waiting for my funny answer :(
"Can’t wait to hear it. I love all your ideas. I love everything about you."
"You don’t have to be a jerk right off the bat."
"I don’t have to eat this frosting straight out the can either, but I do it because it brings me joy."
"I have spoons here, you know. Ladles. All kinds of silverware."
"Using my pinky is classier."
"So you play this elite ninja robot who’s captured by a demon emperor and he erases your memory and leaves you in a space castle somewhere and you wake up with no idea who you are and it’s sort of a sandbox type deal, right, so you have to build a new life for yourself and make friends and find a job and get married and everything, and you can download different hobby add-on packs like planting an herb garden or setting up a model train set in the spare room, and you can go on vacation from time to time, you can unlock an affair at work with a cheat code, you can do grocery shopping and dinner party mini-games, the works."
"Let me guess, there are no extra lives."
"You think you’re an elite ninja robot with an erased memory, don’t you."
"It’s the only thing that makes any goddamn sense."