The special edish of Fables of the Reconstruction just came out and I can’t believe I ever thought it was just meh. Seriously if this album was released today, Pitchfork would basically rape itself to death.
Moving on, I’ve always loved the little clicky-click-into-Peter-Buck-heaven that is the beginning of “Auctioneer” so I made a little loop of it. (See also: Everything Hits At Once [Outro Loop].) It makes me feel comforted and scared at the same time, like a lot of early R.E.M.
A fisherman snagged my lobe with his hook as he reeled it back in. He thought he got a bite at the very last minute (what the local anglers call closing time cooch) and yanked, giving me the piercing I thought I wanted in high school. He almost took the whole ear off and, frankly, there’s part of me that would’ve been OK with that, the part of me that always wanted a horrible disfigurement to give me an excuse for feeling wronged by life.
[Work continues on my new project, but this thing is slippery. The introduction below was one of the first casualties.]
Alcohol was involved. I don’t want to get into it. It was one of those nights where you just want to leave without saying goodbye but can’t because you’re on some guy’s boat. The sky and sea were black and interchangeable. The music was from exactly the wrong moment in 1989. The girls were sweating light beer. I’d just decided to take up smoking. It was New Year’s Eve, ten years ago.
And when a fight breaks out on a motorboat, you have no choice but to get involved. There’s no room for respectful distance. I don’t know these chumps and I don’t care about their little—I mean OK yes I have opinions about which taco bike is the best in La Garra (Manta Caliente, no contest) but I’m not going to make a thing of it and I’m certainly not going to pull a steak knife out of my hip pocket and start waving it around on a boat. Death is already as close as a drunken stumble into the outboard motor.
Anyway it was like a dog fight, just this flurry of limbs. The knife nicked me under the eye and, as you know, that’s when something primal kicks in. I started clawing at people’s faces, like a woman or baby. The screams blurred into something almost soothing. Pretty soon it wasn’t about the taco bike or the creepy boat party, it was about every year of my life collapsing onto this one dumb moment.
Then I got clocked right into the ocean. So cold that the breath in my lungs turned to ice and I sank, down and down.
I think I drowned. Then, later, I opened my eyes. I was tangled up in the fingers of a colossal stone hand, thrusting up from the sea floor, clutching at silent dead ocean.
An oarfish was there, the longest of the fishes. A gleaming silver ribbonlike body, a mane of red fins. He said: Hey bucko.
I gave him a chin-nod and he said: I got a story for you, pallie.
Time for another round of super-secret messages I sent to people super-secretly on Twitter! *shriek* (Here’s No. 1.) Aren’t you JEAL-JEAL of the super-secret conversations I have? Don’t you wish we could be friends? DREAM ON, UGG-LORD ok let’s go:
You so whipped, dogg! *whipcrack SFX* LOL! P.S. Did I mention I watched New Moon on pay per view on Valentine’s Day.
That was a NEUTERING joke GOSH
r u boning the guy who designed the tumblr icons y/n
It’s always the last place you look … your heart.
WHEN I’MA LOOKING FOR BURGER KING AND TIRED SINGLE MOMS, SI
BOO TO THAT *pours shitty gin on ground*
I think it was something about a prosthetic leg but I’m not sure — I was pretty sauced.
LOLZ YOU ARE HILARI—omigod he’s got my penis THIS IS NO PRANK THIS IS REEEEEEEAL
You made me buy Momento. I’m using it as a shame diary. Here’s today: Puked in shower. Learned about dissection tool w/pistol grip. Wendy’s.
That was me! Please see a doctor!
I know! You ever just stop what you’re doing and be like: I didn’t think I would ever get THIS gay. Of course you do, stupid question.
CURSE YOU NICK DOUGLAS YOU WEE LI’L GOBLIN
Hey, look, I just want to … I’m sorry about the whole “undeserving wretch” thing. That was wrong to say. Takebacksies.
Hi champ! Are you in Douche Central over there??
I was about to star it when I noticed “centaur” was spelled wrong TRUE STORY THE END