May 2010
6 posts
1 tag
I’m attending MaxFunCon again next weekend, and I was lucky enough to get into this open mic standup workshop thing with Maria Bamford, who is basically a genius. I have never done standup and the thought of doing so makes me sick with terror, but I figured it’d be a worthwhile experience.
Anyway I was just jotting down a little shorthand setlist and took a step back and wondered how...
April 2010
17 posts
—Newsflash, asshole. I just created the best drink of all time.
—I was just about to do that, too!
—Well the kid here got there first.
—What’s in it?
—Take a sip.
—Yum! Is that … is that Sprite?
—Yep.
—What else … ice?
—You’re good.
—But I can’t quite figure out the last ingredient.
—Give up?
—NO! SHUT UP! OK I give up.
—The final ingredient is … more Sprite!...
“Just because you don’t know the answer doesn’t mean it’s a...”
– Me, to nobody, alone in a conference room, sniffing a dry erase marker
—We need to think of an invention.
—Yeah no kidding.
—Something awesome.
—I got it.
—Go.
—You know those little computer chips that play music when you open a greeting card?
—No but keep going.
—We make a t-shirt with one of those in it so when you raise your arms it says [robot voice] I NEED A HUG.
[CUT TO: The armies of the world laying down their arms and dancing in a global...
lisarahmat asked: What is your policy on eating ice-cream and crying? I posit that the crying comes after the eating. But tear ducts can be frivolous.
delgrosso asked: Whenever I asked if it was my turn to drive you'd say "soon" or "later" or "at the next rest stop" but then when I would come out of the gas station mini-mart with the snacks you were always already behind the wheel. Why did you never let me drive, Josh?
alisonagosti asked: Scale of 1 - 10: How upset were you when you "accidentally" blocked me.
Follow up question: How much did you cry?
Follow up question: How much did you cry?
— Have you ever been in love?
— Sure, dude. Three times.
— Is that including our dog and Boba Fett?
— Yes.
— What’s it like?
— You know when you’re on a swing and you swing up super-high and then fling yourself off into the air?
— Yep.
— It’s like that except you land in a kiddie pool filled with pussy.
— Does it hurt?
— Like a son of a bitch.
1 tag
Danger / Shakini
I’m at the Denny’s on Clayton Dr. in Raton, New Mexico, really getting into this crispy pancake sausage burrito, when in comes Mohammed Aiden (a pseudonym constructed from the most common name in Africa and the most common name in the United States in 2007), employee of unknown rank in one of the world’s most secret organizations: Hawthorne Grain Marketing LLC.
He slides into the booth and it’s...
