Danger / Deer
I’ve been fighting this giant flying deer for like 48 hours straight and I am sick of it. I don’t even know which of my various nemeses cooked this thing up in which subterranean laboratory. I’m thinking maybe Doctor Nice, although the last monster he built had way too many heads and mostly just sat there confused and crying. It pretty much broke my heart to kick the thing in the faces and ship...
Fireland Mini-Podcast No. 8 Seventeen seconds of...
I have Thoughts and Feelings about people who confuse compliment and complement but I have even stronger Thoughts and Feelings about people who complain about dumb things on the internet. So I typically cram my complaints in my complaint-hole and wash them down with this bottom-shelf vodka called Suddenly Stop Caring.* But you guys. I’m in a meeting today and the client is all: “We don’t want...
Danger / Black
I rappel down onto the thirty-foot statue of Phadis, get a stabilizing grab on her giant left tittay, unsheath my trench knife and go to work on the glowing sapphire embedded in her navel. Just as it pops out with a nice ch’ding! a nine-pronged shuriken hisses out of the darkness and into my hand. (Say, do you guys remember the time I was in a machete fight with Donny After Dark in El Salvador...
Spring Forward ... Into Comedy!
“God, daylight savings is the worst.” “It’s worse than having cancer!” “Oh right. Well, at least you lost an hour of excruciating pain!” “Yeah. Although I’ve come to treasure every moment I have left, even the painful ones.”
Danger / Nymphos
I’ve got thirty seconds to stop this ship from crashing into the moon of Nymphos. Which I discovered, what, like half an hour ago? I mean I literally just discovered it. OK yeah technically it was my boy sidekick Trevor who noticed that Dykon’s orbit hinted at a nearby satellite. And yes your honor it was Gaylord 9000 our sentient onboard computer that did all the math— (Gaylord 9000 prefers...
So there’s this guy up on stage with on-fire barrels and the Santa Carla crowd is just loving it and he’s this big bodybuilder with an extremely oiled and nude torso and long greasy mullet and I think some chains around his neck — not like pretty little gold chains but the kind of chains you use to haul an engine out of a ‘64 Thunderbird? And he’s singing and pointing at the stone foxes in the...
Danger / Xing
I’m chained up in the dungeon of Emperor Xing. Yes, again. Last time I managed to escape by hanging here for six months and losing enough weight to slip through the manacles. Time before that I excreted the lockpicks I’d eaten and grabbed them with my toes. Time before that I seduced Nathan, one of Xing’s elite guards, telling him that I couldn’t, you know, I...
The other night I had dinner with the guy in this high-lair video. Uh, no, not Patton Oswalt. The other guy. Still, though!
Rejected Twitter No. 69
CALL POISON CONTROL I GOT THE UNSKINNY BOPS REAL BAD
Fireland Mini-Podcast No. 7 Ten seconds of me in...
sistacrumpet asked: Why can't you be more like your brother?
First Draft Twitter No. 005
Wrote MARRY ME in flames on her front lawn but then the wind picked up and long story short I want a divorce from my gross burn-face wife. » final draft