January 2011
7 posts
The Year of Dishonest Empathy
From my Year 2000 Resolutions, here’s one of the few I’ve stuck with:
I will disconnect my home telephone and use only a cellular phone which will emit an almost inaudible chirp when someone calls. The number for that phone will be sent out to select individuals in envelopes stamped with my signet ring. The phone will reside in a velvet-lined mahogany box somewhere in the back of my...
December 2010
16 posts
Frank & Erik Internet Famous
Yesterday I listened to the 75th episode of Frank & Erik Internet Famous. I’ve listened to these two mooks talk about themselves for 75 hours.
I know more about them than my own family. I know every last detail of their bodily functions and psychological issues and sexual humiliations and workout regimes. I’ve heard every possible anecdote from every phase of their lives. Surely...
1 tag
Fireland Mini-Podcast No. 11
Four seconds of a...
The Breakfast Club:
BENDER: When have you ever gotten laid?
BRIAN: I’ve laid lots of times.
BENDER: Name one.
BRIAN: She lives in Canada. Met her at Niagara Falls. You wouldn’t know her.
Weird Science:
WYATT: Well, what about your girl in, uh, Canada?
GARY: She lives in Canada. She has no morals. I don’t like that in a girl.
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The Final Authority On All Matters
— Cap’n Ass-Master’s office!
— Nice, Daddy.
— Sorry, I thought you were your mother.
— You know, your phone tells you who’s calling, if you just—
— I can barely hear you, sweetheart. Are you under a bridge? Oh my god you’re under a bridge doing drugs with some guy I work with. I don’t know if I should be mad or proud or what.
— Daddy.
— Just tell me it’s not Richie Malvo. That dude is...
1 tag
Say Whatever
— Daddy?
— Who is this.
— Father, I’m at the Blockbuster.
— Blockbuster?
— Yeah I need some movie advice.
— OK well step one is you leave Blockbuster immediately. They don’t even have NC-17 movies there.
— I don’t know what that means.
— You don’t need to worry about what it means. But it means bush.
— Just tell me what to rent. I need a movie boys like.
— That’s easy, just get...
1 tag
Chokeville: WTF?
Just a reminder that my project Chokeville continues to chug along and baffle the best minds of our generation.
The Bygone Bureau | The Best New Blogs of 2010
“Joshua Allen is a force for good. He’s been writing on the Internet for almost as long as there has been an internet to write on. His new site Chokeville isn’t quite like anything else showing up in my Twitter feed. It’s a...
1 tag
