To be honest, there’s a part of me that’s actually looking forward to April Fool’s Day on Favrd. I think it just might be the tipping point, the moment where all comedy is finally sucked into a black hole of its own making and we have to start all over again from scratch, drawing a penis in the dirt with a stick and gesturing at it with a desperate grunt.
Your baby did not appreciate my Pacino impression. I don’t know, he crawled outside somewhere. Yeah well maybe my FEELINGS got run over! Hoo-ah!
P.S. I think you will hear my dead-on Pacino impression in tomorrow’s shocking finale of The Fireland Podcast. Well, assuming a) I actually bother to put it together tonight instead of just sitting dead-eyed in my easy chair which faces the wall, a tumbler of Recession Gin propped atop my tumescent nethers, and b) I’m stupid enough to actually include my Pacino impression, which is not as dead-on as I may have led you to believe earlier in this paragraph.
I’d almost forgotten until I saw a picture just now, but I attended SXSW once, exactly ten years ago. I wrote a thing about it for my website which I just re-read and I have to say, as per usual, the writing had me wincing pretty regularly.
"Thus a massive black hole of unhappy and noisome young men," "that peculiarly Californian brand of desperate malaise," "a deafening lack of eroticism," what does that even mean. C’mon, 1999 Josh! Quit trying so hard!
But I will stand by this: “I had the curious experience of meeting people whose personal websites I frequent, getting that same feverish, vertiginous feeling I get whenever a celebrity of some sort enters my field of vision. Except, you know, divided by like six or seven.”
OK fine I don’t stand by “vertiginous” but anyway that’s what I remember most about that trip. Recognizing people (tee-hee I called Kottke 0sil8 Jason) and being recognized based on junk you wrote on a “personal website,” and knowing way more about these people than their own families, probably — that shit was new.
So you’d have the awkward getting-to-know-you small talk but in the back of your head, you’re thinking: I know that one time you masturbated in a helicopter.
"Statham’s imdb.com profile, collectively, is a promise to you, the weary filmgoer. It’s a promise that says, ‘I promise that you will not FOR ONE SECOND be bored during one of my movies. You won’t learn shit about the human condition, or feel a collective connection with the brotherhood of man. But if you give me $10, I will fuck an explosion while a Slayer song plays.’"
This is Patton Oswalt being absolutely A-1 correct on the subject of Jason Statham. I am so sick of having to explain to stupids that Crank is not just the best movie of the 21st Century, and not just the most quintessentially 21st Century movie, but literally the only movie made during the George W. Bush administration that’s worth seeing.
Here is some info on Kevin Fanning’s The Location Scout. Look how he quotes me saying “don’t quote me on this.” The cheek on this guy. But listen: I really do think it’s the best thing he’s written. I didn’t want to come right out and say it because then he’d get all braggy about it, and also I still need to refer to some other stories of his to make sure, but either way it’s up there. And for a story to be up there by someone as consistently strong as kfan is saying something.
Like the other guy he quotes (probably without permission), I also wished it was longer. But when I finished it, I started reading it again from the beginning, and thought: This is something I’d like to read over and over, maybe once a month, because I think it’ll do something different to my brain each time, and doing something different to my brain each time is something that few things (I’m looking at you internet, alcohol) deliver.
Anyway please check it out and get a copy if it looks up your alley. Or else I’ll look up your alley! Just kidding, I don’t have any interest in doing that.
Thanks to the vigilant Archive.org, the first project I ever made for the web lives on.
I’m working on a longer post about my modest, mid-90s labor of love (get ready for some hilarious FileMaker Pro anecdotes), but for now I’ll just leave you with a few of my favorite “brushes with celebrity.”
The Location Scout is the story of a Hollywood Location Scout who one day gets offered a job with the Witness Protection Program. He travels the world identifying locations in order to help people get where they need to be. The Location Scout knows the entire planet like the back of his hand. Then one day he realizes he has no idea where he is.
The Location Scout is a story about choices and uncertainty and being lost and finding your way in the world.
This is a self-produced affair, 1/2 size, 12pp. About 3000 words. The original idea came to me in August 2008; the bulk was written between October 2008 and last week.