October 2009
21 posts
:(
The bar I frequent has a nice selection of greeting cards but I didn’t see one that said exactly what I needed to say. I flip through the blank ones but god, you know? Babies wearing fedoras and tinted lovers kissing in Paris or wherever? I can’t work with that.
So I stumble home and raid the wife’s scrapbooking nook. (“Our counselor says it’s critical that I have a...
Do You Like Gifts
Because guess what there is a gift for you in the glovebox. Ha ha no it is not gloves! Your sense of humor is very refreshing, Maya. Eh? Maia? Ah yes. Maia, hearken: Most of the ladies I allow into the 240Z do not tell good jokes, Maia. Knock-knock, they say. Hello, who is this? I ask, delighted. They say they do not know, they forgot, and then they gaze out the window, at the world passing by.
...
This is the song from a video game called...
Nature's Candy
My daughter says, “We need to talk.” I sit down and fold my arms and sigh.
She says: “Dad, you know how we got a bunch of peaches yesterday?” I say yeah I guess so, it’s not like I monitor the comings and goings of all the groceries (not true). She whispers: “OK well I ate three peaches.”
I start to get up, assuming this will go the way most of her...
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Rejected Twitter Post No. Yuk
It’s always a sad day when the treehouse finally falls apart, collapsing to the ground in a pile of splintered wood and twisted bodies.
P.S. Shout out to my old buddy Darren whose mom, like mine, spelled yuck “yuk” and who, like me, found that extremely hilarious every time.
Tie Your Own Rope
I was in the Mafia for like a week. Easily the worst job ever, you guys.
They’re all: Hey go shoot this guy in the head three times and once in the heart. FYI I don’t even know this person.
So he’s crying and praying, etc. He seemed like an OK guy aside from the hysterics. On the drive out to the swamp he talked about how much he liked The Offspring. And I’m not saying...
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Dear The Spider Who Lives On My Car
Why did you decide to live on a car? To make your web? We have a garage and eaves and whatnot seriously like six feet away and there’s plenty of space for spiders to hang out there and just do their thing. Other spiders have done this successfully. But instead you decide to “kick it” in my side mirror and make webs all over the driver’s side door. And so a) your whole construction gets messed up...
David Cross / Fitter, Happier
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Twitter Regret No. 0864
Today I posted a Twitter thing that went: “I like to shriek and brandish a trident while peeing in a mailbox. It keeps the weirdos away.”
If my Monday morning brain (Mondays, you guys, am I right) had bothered to think it through a little bit, my intent would’ve been clearer: “When peeing in a mailbox, I like to shriek and brandish a trident to keep the weirdos...
“Walls of translucent white jelly-beings undulating around an unseen cameraman...”
– Scott David Herman listens to Aphex Twin’s Selected Ambient Works Vol. 2 while watching Planet Earth on mute. I’m hard-pressed to think of something more up my alley than this.
The Harness
Mishap with the pleasure harness over the weekend. Let’s not get into details. All you really need to know is it wasn’t performing as promised and this resulted in a pulled hamstring and a humiliating conclusion to the evening’s festivities. Don’t make me paint you a word-picture.
But as always I got the extended-coverage warranty from Best Buy so I head over there and endure the formal...
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