May 2008
14 posts
Pre-Twitter Twitters
I keep wanting to take stuff I wrote years ago and recycle it for Twitter but my crippling and self-important fear of repeating myself prevents me from doing so. Still though, sometimes I come across something and I’m all “dude just copy and paste that shit and get on with your life.” I.e., this nugget from The House of Wigs: The lighting in Wal-Mart made me pick up elastic-band...
Watchyoulooknicetoday: How and where not to do The Fishstick Mister Sandwich fails spectacularly at his own dance and in the process revolutionizes it! The Fishstick makes me think of this part of Infinite Jest (which of course took me like a week to locate), talking about the hot dance craze called the Minimal Mambo: “the dancers appearing to be just this side of standing still, the subtlest...
“I had my dad’s broken-down four-track machine and a little Casio SK-1 sampler....”
– ?uestlove, in an absolutely terrific long-form interview with Charles Aaron in the new issue of SPIN. (via perpetua)
Rejected Twitter Post No. 5551212
Someone stole the cockatiel right off my shoulder! I can’t catch them in these heels! Why oh why did I leave my blowgun in the Escalade?
Rejected Twitter Post No. 8
That homeless guy who sleeps on my car? Well he and I are wearing the same jeans today and his ass looks about a zillion times hotter. Grr!
Rejected Twitter Post No. 808
I’m sorry but I would be FLATTERED if someone called me a “backhoe.” Fine, whatever. HR already has me on speed-dial.
Rejected Twitter Post No. 90211
The VP is in the Samurai Suite. Three concubines snore, still clutching their kaiken. He’s never felt better in his whole life!
Rejected Twitter Post No. 1138
ROBOT PENIS! YOU GUYS! IT’S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE CONDO!!!! Sigh it’s nice to be able to use italics.
I was listening to Surfer Rosa for the first time in a while, and it was super-loud, and it made my right ear distort at times, and I decided that this particular album ruined a very specific range of hearing back in high school, when it was played super-loud every single day.
GEENA DAVIS NUDE
About 99% of the hits to my website come from people looking for naked pictures of Geena Davis (and I’m all: Wha? People still know who Geena Davis is?) and I guess I’m sort of pleased that this is the picture that they are forced to download into their UH NO PORN IN HERE MOM NOPE folder.
Rejected Twitter Post No. 90125
If you can’t prove in a court of law that we didn’t have sex last night, then we did. Yeah well I’m still updating the spreadsheet.
Yesterday’s Movie Trailer Reactions
The Incredible Hulk A: [gleefully claps hands upon seeing Ed Norton] Indiana Jones A: [upon hearing the first line of the ominous voiceover, something about a mysterious secret in a cave or whatever] That’s all I need. I’m there, whatever this is. Wait, is that Harrison Ford? The Happening J: [upon seeing “M. Night Shyamalan*”] Fuck this guy. J: [notices with smug satisfaction that they skip his...
Rejected Twitter Post No. 1999
Your unicorn is the worst I’ve seen since the Battle of the Network Unicorns in 1981 when Charo’s unicorn bungled the obstacle course!!
