I Really Should Get a Job

I was told that there are only two ways to punch a pony to death, but I think I just discovered a...

Two Camp-Themed Twitter Posts, Rejected...

My kid’s postcard says there’s a lot of “rapping in the showers” at camp....

cruel linda mccartney drilling...

You ever look at what you’re typing into Google and wonder how the hell you got to this point...

Teh paparazzi caught me after a hard day of writing...

Rejected Twitter Post No. π

Got the invite to my dad’s wedding. He just crossed out the bride’s name from the last...

distorte: For years (like years) I thought that Todd Levin was an old-ish gay guy, because across...

perpetua: Made by Bio K9.

Rejected Twitter Post No. 420

Take one guess how the process server disguised as an underage Thai hooker surprised me with the...

Pre-Twitter Twitters

I keep wanting to take stuff I wrote years ago and recycle it for Twitter but my crippling and...

“I had my dad’s broken-down four-track machine and a little...”
— ?uestlove, in an absolutely...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 5551212

Someone stole the cockatiel right off my shoulder! I can’t catch them in these heels! Why oh...

I’m told the post on the left contains selections from...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 8

That homeless guy who sleeps on my car? Well he and I are wearing the same jeans today and his ass...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 2020

Just found a Post-It wedged in my navel that says: “Lose weight and take more showers!!”...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 808

I’m sorry but I would be FLATTERED if someone called me a “backhoe.” Fine, whatever. HR already has...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 90211

The VP is in the Samurai Suite. Three concubines snore, still clutching their kaiken. He’s never...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 1138

ROBOT PENIS! YOU GUYS! IT’S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE CONDO!!!! Sigh it’s nice to be able...

I was listening to Surfer Rosa for the first time in a while, and it was super-loud, and it made my...

GEENA DAVIS NUDE

About 99% of the hits to my website come from people looking for naked pictures of Geena Davis (and...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 90125

If you can’t prove in a court of law that we didn’t have sex last night, then we did. Yeah well I’m...

Yesterday’s Movie Trailer Reactions

The Incredible HulkA: [gleefully claps hands upon seeing Ed Norton]Indiana JonesA: [upon hearing the...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 1999

Your unicorn is the worst I’ve seen since the Battle of the Network Unicorns in 1981 when...

Shingles Ma I Got Shingles

DJing tonight at the Applebee’s on West Colfax, laying down a sleazy set of Mark Almond and...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 5555555

You ever take a dump and peek and see there’s a massage therapist’s engagement ring in...

(via distorte)

kfan: Long time coming. Those kids just might make it.

Listen

One of the few things I still take pleasure in are the Weird Science-related searches in my referer...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 8

Saigon, ‘74. I pick up a still-smoldering cigarette and take a quick drag. I am sixteen months...

“Please note that the use of the word...”

“There was some crying, then some sucking, then silence.”
— megnut on how the internet...

Ftrain Vocab

Seminarian, wind chest, fleshpots, driftglass, presbyter, chimichurri, factotum, monstrish,...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 90

You can train an African Grey parrot to beat me at Yahtzee but I guess you can’t train him to...

“I tell Clooney that I wish I was in a position not to know...”
— esq.

Rejected Twitter Post No. 444

Either someone spilled a Shamrock Shake in my jacuzzi or I just fucked a leprechaun.

George Clooney’s cousin is Miguel Ferrer.

Rejected Twitter Post No. 45

No I won’t roll up my window. You just got your mind blown by my rendition of “Poison” and didn’t...

Listen

[via]

Rejected LiveJournal Comments No. 7 & 8

Just because you keep calling it the best television show ever over and over and over and over again...

Rejected Twitter Post No. 18

You retards understand that you can type ANYTHING into this box, right? I just hope your lack of...

A: And then there were some really good questions for me like "I enjoy having philosophical conversations with my friends" vs. "I like to find out how my friends are feeling"
J: NONE OF THE ABOVE
J: I think my result would be: SOCIOPATH
A: I know exactly what your result would be.
J: AWESOME DUDE
A: Hold on.
J: MAJOR PLAYER
J: DARK ELF
J: KINGPIN
J: MASTER OF MEN
J: ICON
J: DEMIGOD
J: MIDDLE MANAGER
J: CRABCAKE
A: Sorry, I got pulled into a project work-related thing.

source: m. smartyp.

I mean what if you were a good solid character actor who regularly got parts in B movies and CSIs...

“It tastes like beef-flavored something. Beef-flavored...”
— avclub

“If only there was some Internet protocol which would allow...”
— dy

Just saw a license plate that read WTFWJD.

I’m starting to think that wasn’t a legit Girl Scout. These cookies are just clumps of...

In April 2001, I thought aloud about the kind of book I would write if I was the last person on...

Just overheard my wife lustily singing the Family Guy theme song, and then yawning.

This picture weirds me out for four or five reasons.

Sure, the slang in Juno made me want to claw out the part of my brain that provides comprehension of...

It’s not that I have a FAVORITE rectal thermometer. I just think the Hannah Montana one is the...

I think I just threw up something I’m going to need later.

Well, my “stylist” is this homeless guy I pay to rub Vaseline in my hair. And he...

The French word for paper clip is trombone.

As a matter of fact, I DO use a fake British accent at the Taco Bell drive-thru. It just seems...

“Hey guys are you sure it’s okay to make an orbital...”

You seem pretty upset about the quality of your coffee! Maybe try switching to not boring me into a...

I think this is the first time I’ve been arrested for karaoke, but I mean if you put...

“Any good movie teaches you how to watch it. And that lesson...”

“ah you kids and your ipods and zima and dan fogelberg...”

The Blossom Will Not Be So Awesome

Did You Really Mean To Sound That Way Really

“bernie mac once made me spit out my coke twice, like, i spit...”

“There’s a line in Venus in Furs about “ermine...”

“All you nay-sayers should shut your nay-hole because this...”
— on the subject of Ratatouille

“The current hip-hop star Kanye West maintains that after a...”
— William Safire

“I recommend David Lynch’s The Straight Story, which is...”

“There’s no question it’s the perfect date movie....”
— Eli Roth, on Hostel: Part II

“A deftly executed reminder that these dudes can do whatever...”

Kelly: Well I got a double masectomy.
Josh: Jesus. That's like the maximum amount!

“That album cover is as shitty as the shitty songs on this...”
— on the subject of LCD...

“I mean, the man is constantly credited for his...”
— on the subject of “Born...

“In the depressions that always followed his taking of...”
— The Sirens of Titan