January 2012
10 posts
“Susan. Suuuuusan what is up.”
“Dude are you even smelling that air right now?”
“You know me, I’ve been smelling it for like half an hour.”
“Makes my nips go blammo.”
“Yeah and oh speaking of, quick quiz: Did you or did you not get the mixtape I made especially for you? Yes, no, maybe, all of the above?”
“The one you...
Things Angela Black Says #245
“Lady Chowdersnatch in the Pantry with the AssBlasster2011.”
I put a comforting hand on Diamond’s bare shoulder and she spun around and had her Erasermate a millimeter away from my eye in two breaths.
“I want to do this,” she said.
“I understand,” I said, “but you doing that will give me license to retaliate and I tend to, you know, escalate.”
And she hesitated, motionless, our eyes locked, until finally: “Your counter-threat of escalation only...
The hawk lands upon my outstretched arm. I unroll the message affixed to its leg: did you get the email i sent y/n. I angrily throw the note to the ground and the hawk takes wing with an irritated squawk.
I glower at the slumbering city, fists clenched. Suddenly, the sky explodes in a riot of color. I cower in terror but then slowly stand back up as I see the fireworks spell out HEY DID YOU GET...
“Would you say I’m beautiful? A beautiful person?”
“I’d say it, sure.”
“Do you think my beauty distracts people from noticing my other good points?”
“No way.”
“My sense of humor, my fierce loyalty.”
“You walk in a room people say now there’s someone who’s fiercely loyal. Finally.”
...
“I wrote a poem about you in my miniature notebook. Wanna hear it? OK.”
“You what? Who are you?”
“Name’s Josh. It’s mostly about your breasts but in a kind of metaphorical poetry way? Like for example here I call them chest balls.”
“Great well this is my stop.”
“I know.”
The goon pats me down and finds the oyster knife taped to my coccyx. “Thought you said you was unarmed,” he says, voice like a broken down retard factory.
“I said that because I didn’t want you to know I had a knife,” I say. “In case I needed to stab you?”
“I thought we was friends.”
“We are friends! We hugged like ten seconds...
December 2011
3 posts
“Henry says you’re the best of the best.”
“Who’s Henry?”
“Henry. You know. Henry the guy who just threw you in here?”
“You mean the guy who kidnapped me and put a bag over my head and threw me in here.”
“Yeah. Henry. Says you’re the best of the best.”
“Well I’m not.”
“Henry says.”
“Henry says I’m the best of what exactly?”
“Getting things from Point A to Point B....
3 tags
November 2011
6 posts
Yes I am the possessor of vanhalen@gmail.com and...
1 tag
At The Gettin Place LOL
Carla Jean: What's in the satchel?
Moss: It's full of money.
Carla Jean: That'll be the day. Where'd you get the pistol?
Moss: At the gettin place.
Carla Jean: D'you buy that gun?
Moss: No. I found it.
Carla Jean: Llewelyn...
Moss: What? Quitcher hollerin.
Carla Jean: What'd you give for that thing.
Moss: You don't need to know everything, Carla Jean.
Carla Jean: I need to know that.
Moss: Keep running that mouth a yours and I'm gonna take you in the back and screw you.
Carla Jean: Big talk.
Moss: Keep it up.
Carla Jean: Fine. I don't wanna know. I don't even wanna know where you been all day.
Moss: That'll work.
October 2011
5 posts
Dream Tweetin'
Had a dream last night where I came up with a tweet that just said: “SAX, HUGS AND ROCK N ROLL.” I thought that was pretty strong but needed some punching up so I added: “Going to Walmart to set myself on fire so my memoir SAX, HUGS AND ROCK N ROLL has a good ending.”
I woke up and was proud of myself!
6 tags
September 2011
7 posts
Bill Berry jumps off his tractor, shields his unibrow from the blinding Georgia sun, gazes upon today’s bales of hay, not only deadlier but smarter too.
August 2011
7 posts
Josh: i need to write some talking points about a webinar
Angela: talking point one: this is boring
Angela: talking point two: don’t everyone suicide at once, let’s take turns
Angela: talking point three: ah shit i suicided
Things I Said Out Loud To Myself Tonight #2
String cheese for dinner. That’s a dinner. And there’s a trivia question on each package!
What fruit has more vitamin C than an orange? Let’s see. I don’t know. A banana. I’m not going to think about it. Just tell me the answer.
A tomato? Oh fuck you. I don’t care if a tomato is really a fruit, nobody thinks of it as a fruit so that was a trick question.
...
July 2011
12 posts
Things I Said Out Loud To Myself Tonight
I wonder if I’ll die if I eat this whole bag of beef jerky.
This? [gesturing to the empty room] This is not tenable.
I thought that was Yoda but that ain’t no fuckin Yoda.
1 tag
1998-1999: Kinda shitty!
I just stumbled on a diary I kept in the late 90s. Here are some excerpts:
I got a Nintendo last week which was yet another in a hugely long line of bad ideas.
Applebee’s: I’ve never been to one of these — and yet I have. Basically Chili’s.
This party was a wholly miserable experience because of all the Web people.
Bart wasn’t there, sadly, but I saw his redecoration of my...
1 tag
Twitter First Draft No. 006
Last night I went against my better judgment and wrote a Harry Potter tweet. It relied too much on knowing Harry Potter stuff to get the “joke” but whatever, the Venn diagram of Harry Potter people and Twitter people is basically a big fat zero. But before I got to the final draft I went over here:
I’m sorry I yelled out someone else’s name while we were boning but...
H. S. Bhabra
In college I took a couple creative writing classes and one of them was taught by this guy Hargurchet Bhabra. On the first day he strutted in wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses and just stood there for a while, staring at us, then took some plates out of his briefcase and smashed them on the floor. He said: “Write about what just happened.”
Another day one of my classmates...
So I Guess This Is What I Use Google+ For
I sketched a man on the bus this morning. He caught my attention because he looked like he’d seen terrible things in his life, things he’d locked up inside himself but which escaped, from time to time, through his eyes, and because he had a sizable erection. I sketched the erection first because I’m good at those, and then the haunted eyes, and then the bikini top. My pencil...
NewsRadio
Jimmy: I wanted a place just like Xanadu but without such a dorky name.
Lisa: So whatdya call it?
Jimmy: Fort Awesome.