What is your deal.

I was listening to Surfer Rosa for the first time in a while, and it was super-loud, and it made my right ear distort at times, and I decided that this particular album ruined a very specific range of hearing back in high school, when it was played super-loud every single day.

GEENA DAVIS NUDE

About 99% of the hits to my website come from people looking for naked pictures of Geena Davis (and I’m all: Wha? People still know who Geena Davis is?) and I guess I’m sort of pleased that this is the picture that they are forced to download into their UH NO PORN IN HERE MOM NOPE folder.

Rejected Twitter Post No. 90125

If you can’t prove in a court of law that we didn’t have sex last night, then we did. Yeah well I’m still updating the spreadsheet.

Yesterday’s Movie Trailer Reactions

The Incredible Hulk
A: [gleefully claps hands upon seeing Ed Norton]

Indiana Jones
A: [upon hearing the first line of the ominous voiceover, something about a mysterious secret in a cave or whatever] That’s all I need. I’m there, whatever this is. Wait, is that Harrison Ford?

The Happening
J: [upon seeing “M. Night Shyamalan*”] Fuck this guy.

J: [notices with smug satisfaction that they skip his last two movies when reminding us what he’s directed]

J: [remembers fondly this joke about a movie about Helen Keller who can see dead people called “The Fourth Sense”]

J: [after the fifth or sixth scary loud noise] I’m exhausted.

The Love Guru
J&A: [slumped shoulders, dead eyes]

*Spelled it right on my first try, you guys!

Rejected Twitter Post No. 1999

Your unicorn is the worst I’ve seen since the Battle of the Network Unicorns in 1981 when Charo’s unicorn bungled the obstacle course!!

Shingles Ma I Got Shingles

DJing tonight at the Applebee’s on West Colfax, laying down a sleazy set of Mark Almond and Aphex remixes and American Idol highlights from YouTube. The prom girls go absolute A-1 ape-balls and offer me unseemly Activites which I — as a Gentleman — refuse, sealing the Velcro on my cargo shorts. Sure enough I’m alone at the end of the evening, only my Triple Chocolate Meltdown to keep me company. Dirty, sweet company.

Rejected Twitter Post No. 5555555

You ever take a dump and peek and see there’s a massage therapist’s engagement ring in there? And you’re all: Um, now what LOL??