Fireland

“Susan. Suuuuusan what is up.”

“Dude are you even smelling that air right now?”

“You know me, I’ve been smelling it for like half an hour.”

“Makes my nips go blammo.”

“Yeah and oh speaking of, quick quiz: Did you or did you not get the mixtape I made especially for you? Yes, no, maybe, all of the above?”

“The one you hid in my Trapper Keeper? Entitled Songs to Bone Geoff By?”

“Uh no.”

“No? Side one is all of Permanent Vacation and side two is as much of In My Tribe that could fit?”

“Who is Jeff.”

“Geoff, that guy with the hair?”

“Oh yeah, that guy. He’s pretty cool. One time he said my shirt was killer. So you didn’t get my tape?”

“I guess not?”

“It’s … well I did this whole treasure hunt thing. It’s dumb but the first clue is in your locker, in this fancy envelope that cost two dollars.”

“Oh this sounds like fun!”

“Yeah. Yeah it was a lot of work. And my mixtape has a lot of … well it’s got a lot of things going on with it, it’s not like I just dubbed two whole albums on there. It’s kind of this … tapestry?”

“Well I can’t wait to hear it, mister.”

“Cool. I’m gonna go.”

“OK dude. Keep smelling that air!”

“I’m smelling it, Susan.”

Things Angela Black Says #245

“Lady Chowdersnatch in the Pantry with the AssBlasster2011.”

I put a comforting hand on Diamond’s bare shoulder and she spun around and had her Erasermate a millimeter away from my eye in two breaths.

“I want to do this,” she said.

“I understand,” I said, “but you doing that will give me license to retaliate and I tend to, you know, escalate.”

And she hesitated, motionless, our eyes locked, until finally: “Your counter-threat of escalation only makes me want to do it more. I am now dying to see how you retaliate and dying to show you what I’ll do in response.”

I said: “Well we seem to be at an—” and she stabbed the pen into my eye and I jabbed my thumbnails into her ears and she kicked me just above the groin in a move that didn’t really hurt but did render me sterile for the rest of my life. We toppled down and held each other close.

“Diamond,” I said, uneven blood flowing down my face, “it stops here. But only temporarily. I have the next hit and I’m choosing to hang on to it for a later time. You won’t know where or when but it will happen and there will be an escalation and that tension will add some real intensity to our, to our relationship.”

I sort of mumbled that last word, not entirely sure if she’d be comfortable with the label just yet, but all she said was: “What? Are you saying something?”

The hawk lands upon my outstretched arm. I unroll the message affixed to its leg: did you get the email i sent y/n. I angrily throw the note to the ground and the hawk takes wing with an irritated squawk.

I glower at the slumbering city, fists clenched. Suddenly, the sky explodes in a riot of color. I cower in terror but then slowly stand back up as I see the fireworks spell out HEY DID YOU GET THAT BIRD LETTER ABOUT MY EMAIL???

I turn my back on the garish display, trembling with rage. I do not want to attend your baby shower! my mind shrieks. I find them excruciating!

My shoulders slump as I head inside to find out how much it costs to get a onesie that looks like a little tuxedo.

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TEXT FROM ME TO MY BROTHER STU JUST NOW: I want to open my own 9-11

STU: Holy shit!!! We are watching that RIGH NOW!!!

ME: Whaaaaaa I just started it up!

STU: It is drunk over here!

“Would you say I’m beautiful? A beautiful person?”

“I’d say it, sure.”

“Do you think my beauty distracts people from noticing my other good points?”

“No way.”

“My sense of humor, my fierce loyalty.”

“You walk in a room people say now there’s someone who’s fiercely loyal. Finally.”

“Don’t make fun of me.”

“You walk out of a room and people say now there’s an ass I could lose myself in for days. Like The Time Traveler’s Wife or some shit.”

“Sometimes I wish I never walked into that homeless shelter, never saw those baby blues.”

“I wrote a poem about you in my miniature notebook. Wanna hear it? OK.”

“You what? Who are you?”

“Name’s Josh. It’s mostly about your breasts but in a kind of metaphorical poetry way? Like for example here I call them chest balls.”

“Great well this is my stop.”

“I know.”

The goon pats me down and finds the oyster knife taped to my coccyx. “Thought you said you was unarmed,” he says, voice like a broken down retard factory.

“I said that because I didn’t want you to know I had a knife,” I say. “In case I needed to stab you?”

“I thought we was friends.”

“We are friends! We hugged like ten seconds ago!”

“Yeah but I just feel like you feel like it’s a chore. The hugging.”

“I maybe had other things on my mind, didn’t put my all into it.”

“These days seems like you always got other things on your mind.”

“You wanna try again? Let’s try again.”

The goon and I embrace and it’s nice. He says: “OK, go on in. Empress Elderballs ain’t like to be kept waiting.”

HAHA MY GIRLF PASSED OUT SO I DREW A MUSTACHE ON HER FACE WITH MASCARA LOL

wait what are these feelings im feeling

“Henry says you’re the best of the best.”

“Who’s Henry?”

“Henry. You know. Henry the guy who just threw you in here?”

“You mean the guy who kidnapped me and put a bag over my head and threw me in here.”

“Yeah. Henry. Says you’re the best of the best.”

“Well I’m not.”

“Henry says.”

“Henry says I’m the best of what exactly?”

“Getting things from Point A to Point B. Just the best at it.”

“This is how you ask someone to Point A Point B something? Bag over the head?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe I should’ve thought it through.”

“Don’t you have usual guys for this?”

“I got usual guys but I don’t want them on this one.”

“Why not?”

“I need them for other stuff. And I don’t want them dead. I like them. They have wives and kids.”

“I have wives and kids!”

“I admit we didn’t do our usual background check but we do know you sleep alone on an air mattress.”

“Yeah but you don’t know nothing. What if I’m not the best at all? Then I’m dead and you’re in trouble. And dead, I bet.”

“We’re just gonna have to trust Henry on this one.”

Yes I am the possessor of vanhalen@gmail.com and no I haven’t heard from them yet.