Fireland

The thug raises his fist for round two and is startled to see his fingers—still encased in brass knuckles—fall to the pier with a clank. Looks up and sees Missy of the Spire’s Samurai Suite, using her silken sleeve to wipe a thin streak of blood from her katana. And here’s Fiona of the Sherwood Forest Experience, bowstring cocked. And Miki of the Igloo Room, whaling harpoon at the ready. And Emmerline of the Old Operating Theatre, scalpels tucked between each finger of her left hand, a hypodermic needle already stabbed into the neck of another heavy, and she is hissing in his ear, she is just waiting for him to give her an excuse to press the plunger, just give her one valid excuse. And behind her is Dana of Apollo 69, and Miss Hawtin, Headmistress of Discipline, and Belinda of the JFK Encounter, and Kimiko posing in her SS uniform.

// Sometimes I read over something I wrote and realize it reveals way too much about my secret proclivities. Look at this paragraph, for example: If there were a whore barge where each cabin had a different theme, à la The Madonna Inn, I would prefer if its themes included samurais, Robin Hood, eskimos, 19th Century surgeons, early NASA missions, straight-up BDSM, the JFK assassination, and Nazis. Ladies..?

Allison leans in and whispers: “Frank Muto chained my brother to a trunk and threw him overboard, right where we are now. This is really the only thing that concerns you. If you can find him and the trunk, you’ll get three thousand dollars.”

May says: “How long has he been down there?”

“I don’t know. A few days.”

“You know what a body looks like after being underwater for a few days?”

“No.”

“Why not just leave him there. Like a burial at sea.”

“Now you don’t want the money?”

“I want the money. I don’t want the headaches. When I go after bodies I always have to deal with a big scene when I come back up. Most people regret the whole thing.”

Allison tries not to hear the rhythmic thumping coming from the next cabin. She says: “I already regret the whole thing.”

“If there’s valuables in the trunk then that’s another story,” May says. “Maybe you’re the kind of girl who puts on a big show of crying for dead brothers but really just wants some sunken treasure.”

Allison says: “I don’t know what kind of girl I am. And I don’t know what’s in the trunk. But it was his, and I want it.”

May nods. She reaches up to touch Allison’s face and Allison jerks back. “Your nose needs to be re-set,” May says. “Let me pop it back in.”

“How much will that run me.”

“Twelve dollars.”

Allison sighs. “OK,” she says.

May pulls a flask from the hip pocket of her camouflage shorts. She says: “Drink as much of this as you can.”

Allison unscrews the cap and takes a long pull. The first alcohol she’s had since prom night, out behind the Ringley cafeteria, going dutch on a plastic bottle of amaretto liqueur. It goes down like water. She looks at nothing, then at the painting bolted to the wall of a spaceship soaring out of thick jungle foliage and into the heavens. May gently places her thumbs against the bridge of Allison’s nose. She says something but Allison doesn’t hear it, and then there’s a snap but Allison doesn’t feel it.

May says: “Better?”

Allison wipes away a fresh trail of blood streaming from her nose. “I won’t make a big scene,” she says.

May says: “Yeah, I know.”

// Chokeville

Grandmaster Flash
Matt Frewer
Lorenzo Lamas
Jools Holland
Ellen DeGeneres
Ice-T
Mary Chapin Carpenter
Nik Kershaw
Miranda Richardson
Andy Gibb
Rik Mayall
Gary Numan
Sharon Stone
Holly Hunter
Gary Oldman
Alec Baldwin
Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds
Andie MacDowell
Michelle Pfeiffer
Rick Santorum
Keith Haring
Mitch Albom
Drew Carey
Paul Weller
Neil Finn
Annette Bening
Prince
Keenan Ivory Wayans
Wade Boggs
Jello Biafra
Bruce Campbell
Jennifer Saunders
Kevin Bacon
Michael Flatley
Billy Mays
Thurston Moore
Kate Bush
Marc Cuban
Bill Berry
Bruce Dickinson
Madonna
Angela Bassett
Belinda Carlisle
Steve Guttenberg
Tim Burton
Jeff Foxworthy
Chris Columbus
Orel Hershiser
Joan Jett
Andrea Bocelli
Kevin Sorbo
Michael Madsen
Thomas Dolby
Tim Robbins
Alan Jackson
Viggo Mortensen
Simon Le Bon
Jamie Lee Curtis
Charlene Tilton
George Saunders
Nick Park
Nikki Sixx
Mike Mills
Rickey Henderson
Bebe Neuwirth

Just found this abandoned post intended for the abandoned Wiretap Follies:

ELEANOR ALLEN. I do not know a soul who would call me when they know that Jeopardy is on.

JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. What is: John F. Kennedy.

EA. Oh my goodness, Jiggies! How did you know that?

JGA. It’s usually either him or like sodium chloride or Shakespeare.

EA. I take back all the terrible things I said about private school and all the money they took from me.

JGA. OK, finally! I mean, wasn’t it nice not having to dress me every morning? Just pick the grey or the blue skirt and laugh and be done with it?

EA. Yes but see now I’m wondering why you’re calling me and it’s not my birthday or Mother’s Day. Let me guess: Somebody in the family died and you need a very specific amount of money to cremate them properly?

JGA. Mother. Everyone’s pretty much dead but you, and you know this.

EA. Did I email you that article about how cremating loved ones makes the ozone layer worse than ever?

JGA. Well, Sheila from next door brought the article over because you think email is, quote, Satan’s Crotch Business.

EA. Alls I know is every time I’ve seen email there is lies and shaved lady parts.

JGA. I didn’t hear what you just said so let’s just move on.

EA. Shaved Vagina. Vaginas.

JGA. I am so angry at this expensive phone breaking up at crucial moments! Gah! I am going to write a very angry letter to the manufacturer just like you taught me, Mother!

I just read the first chapter of some history-of-blogging book called Say Everything. This opening section is mostly about Justin Hall but then there was a passing reference to Alexis Massie and I was all: Hey! I know that lady!

Sometimes I forget that my wife was writing uncomfortably frank stuff about herself on the internet waaaay before you.

“Just thought maybe we could use a little pick-me-up to get us to five o’clock,” he says.

“Your kindness is genuine and uncalled for,” she says. It is late afternoon on a cool autumn day and her voice is like this day transformed into sound.

// Chokeville

Ah, Marcus! Do come in! I was just about to regale our guests with that spellbinding tale of yours, the one about your donnybrook with that execrable customer service Representative..? Or! Perhaps the one where your computing machine malfunctioned and you were thrown into an Hysteric state! ‘Ell oh ‘ell! Come, sit! You tell it so much better than I! Gather ‘round, friends, and ready yourselves, for ye shall be slackjaw’d with Wonder ‘til the small hours!

Why is my mother on Match.com. Why do her interests include “buffets and leather.” Why was she recommended to me. Why am I emailing her.

rrrrred:

Waiting for the elevator…
RECEPTIONIST: It’s TTG!
ME: I don’t… know what that is.
RECEPTIONIST: Time To Go!!
ME: Oh.
RECEPTIONIST (sadly): That’s the only thing I ever made up.

I think this might be the funniest thing I’ve ever read.